Friendship- memos

Thematic code	Narrative notes
Friend vs. Acquaintance- Differences and Definitions	Differences between an acquaintance (“someone you know casually like you know your husband’s friends…you don’t actually hang out or go places together or anything like that”) and a friend include depth of caring (“cares about you or has some kind of vested interest in you and who cares about your wellbeing”), meaning in the relationship for each party (“means more to you”, “a true friendship is like a family member”), exchange/mutuality of support (“a give and take relationship”), interest in maintaining and nurturing the relationship (“a friend you go out of your way to get, to be around. To talk to, to reach out to”), sense of connection with other party (“keep that connection alive”, “we reconnect with people. Years apart. And you, we just jump right back into it. You do. It’s like a day didn’t pass”).
Qualities of a friend	Integrity including honesty, consistency, reliability/dependability/following through on commitments, trustworthiness, trusting, free of deceit, willing to move past quarrels-apologizing and forgiving. God-like attributes like non-judgmental, loving/unconditional love, supportive, consistency, faithful, offering safety to be oneself and allowing you to be vulnerable in safety, acceptance, forgiving, shared values and ethics. Sensitivity including displaying interest, empathy, vulnerability, support, providing a safe audience, willing to listen, attentive, observant, appreciation for others happiness, helpful. Contrast and commonalities in personality and opinions- to provide stimulating company, fun to be with
Degrees of association	Degree of friendship spectrum ranges from acquaintance, to friend due to proximity or situation (“here and now” or “fun” friends, “it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy her company, it just, we’re not as tight as I have other friends.”, “people I enjoy hanging out with but can’t rely on them if I really needed them”), close friends (“the level of friendship is based on that level of risk (trust) as well. There are those that are your superficial friends and  there is not a lot of risk involved”), long term/lifelong (“forever friends”, “the same group of core people that know me and have known me for years. That accept me and love me and are there for everything”, “are old friends that you’ve had for a long time… cause you’ve shared a lot of memories together”) and intimate relationships. Degree of association is affected by life stage (“you have different kinds of friend at…different times in your life”), personal habits and choice (“it is different for everybody what that friendship consists of”)
Differences between men and women	Friendships are conducted and felt differently depending on which sex/sexes are involved. Definition of friendship is different for each gender (“women more loosely use the term friends than men do”, “if you asked men to define friendships, they more associate it with people that they do stuff with…Women will use terms more like, they are supportive, they listen to me, they’re honest with me”). Beliefs about the roles friends play in their lives and what they expect from them are dissimilar (“Men don’t…talk about their feelings with each other as much when they are friends as women do. So, I think we look at it differently, that’s what I mean. Like if you ask a man what a friendship means, they more are like, like minds, like  activities. Not emotional support, which is what women feel when they are talking about friendship”).  Men- time with friends has a purpose and centers around “activities”. Women- relationships with friends are for emotional support, open and honest exchange. Relationships between men- “It can be maybe less drama”, “I guess maybe it can be more real” implication that friendships between men are more sincere? Relationships between women- “Girls are more emotional with their friendships”
How to make friends	Opportunities to form friendships (“people that move have a greater number of friends…the more you move, the more people you meet, and the more friends you have”, “whereas as adults we network with a large number of people, we have the means of putting ourselves in different situations, and so there is a wider variety which, then you’ve got to narrow it down and see which ones do I bond with”).  Propinquity and friendship (“I’m, ah, not good at going out and seeking new friends. So for having good friendships that sort of stand the test, the test of time, right now, it’s mostly ex- coworkers that you build up those relationships with”)  Learning friendship skills (“What you see modeled. Do your parents have friends outside their marriage? Do your brothers and sisters. Is your family encouraged to have large groups of friends. Do your parents invite you to bring your friends home from college and from elementary and high school. Is your house the house that everyone hung out or did you always go to someone else’s house. This would help to cultivate those friendships”)
How to be a friend	“Being a friend” includes how to be a friend to others/what others can expect from you (“that (what) we give as a friend is our joy of living… by sharing the joy that’s what enriches relationships, …and creates  bonds”, “respect yourself. To have a good idea of who you are so you aren’t trying to compare with somebody else… A genuine  person, yeah. That then you’ve got a lot more to offer to others”, “that (what) we give as a friend is our joy of living… by sharing the joy that’s what enriches relationships, …and creates bonds”, “its being there with them through their grief that is…maybe it’s those times that actually deepen our relationships the most. When we’re hurting together rather than, … the mountaintop happiness”, “a willingness to be vulnerable in a friendship is important”, “you spend more time together and that creates memories”, “you share that concern”, “I think I try to look out for my friends’ needs, their emotional needs, their physical needs, their fun needs. Activity needs, like sometimes you have to go shopping, and ok, let’s go!”, “verbally say, “I really appreciate your friendship; It is an important part of my life,” and that creates a bond, a feeling of wanting to be there for them. It makes, it kind of reinforces me as a person too that she sees me as valuable and it’s a joy to be that for her and to feel that she is willing to be that friend for me”, “I see a value in discussing with my friends what our friendship means… just enjoying them more, appreciating them, being grateful”, “Well we have like personalities; we are not completely the same. Ummm…you can trust that person and laugh with that person and be yourself-- that’s a big thing. Be yourself around that person. Again you gen enjoy being in each other’s company. Yeah you get upset with each other but… you get over it and your friends again”), how a friend should act towards you (“that’s the thing about true friendship…you might not agree on things but you always come back to each other, you are attracted back to one another because you genuinely want to be in each other’s company”, “it’s a give and take relationship. Friendship cannot be one sided”, “trustworthy and compatible, not only shares the same interests or similar interest but may also agree to disagree with you. Maybe perhaps they don’t share the same interests necessarily. But they value what you do and support you and encourage you. They’re honest with you, if there is ever a discretion or something that may arise that they don’t agree with, they are able to be truthful and honest and caring”, “out of nowhere came…did all these amazing things. They have always been there…They check in on us how are we doing? They’ve helped us…They are very honest and have always been there for us not because they needed something. Just out of the goodness of their heart being friends and loving”) and  what is required to maintain friendships (“if  you stay in touch with the old friends then you just have more friends”, “to maintain a tight friendship you need to maintain contact with the person… You have to make an effort, friendship requires some work sometimes”, “Friendships are work… They take effort.  They take being vulnerable. They take the  scary stuff of life…take vulnerability, time and effort and energy”, “there’s a mutual likeness. You know, similarity. There doesn’t need to be a lot of similarities, but enjoy each other”).
Why friendship ends	Friendship fades due to loss of propinquity (“big regret that I have is that I moved from one country to another and so I lost that consistency with my old school friends. That I would have loved to be able to keep visiting with them, and sharing our lives as we went on, with visits”), loss of interest (“to maintain a tight friendship you need to maintain contact with the person”, “guess friendships last, ehhh…. because we want them to”, “you want to keep it that way (being friends) because if you don’t it eventually falls apart”), competing interests (“we only have time for so many friends in our modern life, with working and family commitments”), loss of commonalities (“in some cases if the person changes to much then you eventually stop being friends”) and loss of reward (“if someone does something to you sometimes your friendship can end”)