Placing the blame- a found poem

Believe what I’m saying.

Softcore pornography, the most damaging kind of pornography,

helped mold and shape the kinds of violent behavior.

A compulsion, a building up of this destructive energy,

violence and sexual violence.

It is difficult to talk about.

Violence in the media, particularly pornographic violence,

it fuels this kind of thought process.

Fantasy life that was fueled, largely, by pornography.

This one, small but very potent and destructive segment that I kept very secret,

I can’t really talk about that right now.

My exposure to pornography,

the most common interest among serial killers is pornography.

Without exception, every one of them was deeply involved in pornography.

Being possessed by something so awful and alien,

it’s hard to talk about.

I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence.

Dangerous impulses are being fueled, day in and day out, by violence in the media.

Pornography can reach in and snatch a kid out of any house,

behavior that is too terrible to describe.

I won’t be able to talk about that.

Believe what I’m saying now,

I’m not blaming pornography.

References

Dobson, J. (Interviewer) & Bundy, T. (Interviewee). (1989, January 23). Ted Bundy's interview with James Dobson [Interview Transcript]. Retrieved from Pure Intimacy: http://www.pureintimacy.org/piArticles/A000000433.cfm

Important life event- day(s) of wine and roses

We get off the bus less than half a mile from the apartment we are renting. Half a mile walk is nothing compared to the miles we have covered today, but it is taken at a crawling pace. We are tired but more importantly, we are hungry and we are shopping to eat. On our way outbound this morning, we passed a grocery store just opening. The shopkeeper was loading chickens into a large, glass rotisserie case and my sister had said, ‘we should remember that, it might be dinner tonight, I’m thinking’. Prophetic, is what I am thinking now. We smell the chickens from down the road and the pace picks up just a fraction.

We enter the store. Like the American corner store in our older cities, this store offers a bevy of goods in the tiniest of spaces. There are the chickens, golden and brown, dripping juices and smelling heavenly. There are fruits and vegetables in crates out front and bread and rolls inside the door. There is a canned and jarred goods section and a refrigerator with dairy products. And a jaw-dropping wine selection. At least a quarter of the surface area of the store is devoted to wine. My sister’s husband’s family is Italian. His mother speaks better Italian than English. My sister speaks a few sentences of American Italian but it is wasted on Italian Italians. We give up on words and rely on the shopkeeper’s version of English. We get a plump, fragrant bird in a bag. We pick pieces of fruit to cut up and share out. We choose bread from a basket and pull a stick of butter from the fridge. We add more bottled lemonade, sharp and tart and not at all like American lemonade, to the counter. We shop for wine. We are overwhelmed by the choices and are taken by the realization that we are limited by the utensils in the apartment and have no idea how to explain ‘cork puller’ in Italian. So we buy the wine in the box.

The people in the store are smiling. I think they would like to laugh, but not in a mean way. They have watched us stand and stare at the shelves of bottles and finally reach for the box wine. This is a kindergarten box of wine, really. It has the foil tab that gets pulled back and what looks like a tiny straw hole, like a juice pouch full of wine. We do not care; we just want to get home and eat. We cram all our purchases into the tiny basket below the baby in the stroller, into my green and black nylon messenger bag, my son’s gray nylon messenger bag, my sister’s red and black nylon messenger bag and my niece’s pink backpack. We are loaded down with dinner and drinks.

We get to the apartment a few minutes later. We dump our belongings and head back outside with children and food. The sun is going down, it has cooled off and it is going to be a beautiful night. We are going to sprawl out on the grass in the courtyard and eat a picnic dinner. We cut up fruit and chicken. We butter bread. We fill tumblers with lemonade. We pour- squirt- wine into glasses. The food is delicious. The wine is dreadful. We laugh uproariously. We are still going to drink the wine. After food, we are more sensible. We are now sure that just by pointing to the top of any wine bottle, turning our hand with the palm upright and looking sad, we could have communicated our lack of means of wine egress. This makes us laugh harder.

We are staying in an apartment complex. There are eight apartment buildings on a corner lot, each four enclosing a courtyard of grass and trees and flowers. It is beautiful here. Our laughter, and the laughter of the children with us, has attracted residents to stop and speak. There do not appear to be many children here and the residents are taken with the baby. Her face is greasy with chicken and pink around the lips from plums, she is sticky with lemonade, and she has bread crumbs in her hair. She is crowing with laughter because we are laughing. The residents fall in love.

When we left this morning, we were an attractive group. The little girls wore matching outfits, the baby in a swingy, ruffled top and panties, the six-year old in a skirt of the same yellow and pink cabbage rose-flowered fabric. The teenage boy relaxed in khaki cargo shorts and a blue plaid linen shirt while my sister and I strode out in linen capris and brightly colored tee shirts, sandals and sunglasses, REI catalog worthy. Now, we are more attractive in our happiness than in our attire. We are grass stained and gelato smeared, tacky with the residue of sugary drinks and dropped melon. We have drooping ruffles and wilted linen but we are blooming with good cheer. With children, there is no time for souvenir shopping but who needs another shirt? We will have great memories of chasing brilliantly colored moths in the grass alongside the Coliseum and the grass stains to prove it.

Our repast complete, we sprawl out on the grass beneath Italian stars. The air is cool after the heat of the day and smells of courtyard flowers, bushy roses and irises, snapdragons and geraniums, are carried on the light breeze. We are glad of take-out dinner since cleanup is limited to scavenging for paper scraps and wiping hands and faces with a damp tea towel. The baby will need a long soak in the sink after the glasses are washed but the rest of us can wait until morning for a major scrub.  We are exhausted and exhilarated; we plan for tomorrow. 

Friendship- memos

Thematic code	Narrative notes
Friend vs. Acquaintance- Differences and Definitions	Differences between an acquaintance (“someone you know casually like you know your husband’s friends…you don’t actually hang out or go places together or anything like that”) and a friend include depth of caring (“cares about you or has some kind of vested interest in you and who cares about your wellbeing”), meaning in the relationship for each party (“means more to you”, “a true friendship is like a family member”), exchange/mutuality of support (“a give and take relationship”), interest in maintaining and nurturing the relationship (“a friend you go out of your way to get, to be around. To talk to, to reach out to”), sense of connection with other party (“keep that connection alive”, “we reconnect with people. Years apart. And you, we just jump right back into it. You do. It’s like a day didn’t pass”).
Qualities of a friend	Integrity including honesty, consistency, reliability/dependability/following through on commitments, trustworthiness, trusting, free of deceit, willing to move past quarrels-apologizing and forgiving. God-like attributes like non-judgmental, loving/unconditional love, supportive, consistency, faithful, offering safety to be oneself and allowing you to be vulnerable in safety, acceptance, forgiving, shared values and ethics. Sensitivity including displaying interest, empathy, vulnerability, support, providing a safe audience, willing to listen, attentive, observant, appreciation for others happiness, helpful. Contrast and commonalities in personality and opinions- to provide stimulating company, fun to be with
Degrees of association	Degree of friendship spectrum ranges from acquaintance, to friend due to proximity or situation (“here and now” or “fun” friends, “it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy her company, it just, we’re not as tight as I have other friends.”, “people I enjoy hanging out with but can’t rely on them if I really needed them”), close friends (“the level of friendship is based on that level of risk (trust) as well. There are those that are your superficial friends and  there is not a lot of risk involved”), long term/lifelong (“forever friends”, “the same group of core people that know me and have known me for years. That accept me and love me and are there for everything”, “are old friends that you’ve had for a long time… cause you’ve shared a lot of memories together”) and intimate relationships. Degree of association is affected by life stage (“you have different kinds of friend at…different times in your life”), personal habits and choice (“it is different for everybody what that friendship consists of”)
Differences between men and women	Friendships are conducted and felt differently depending on which sex/sexes are involved. Definition of friendship is different for each gender (“women more loosely use the term friends than men do”, “if you asked men to define friendships, they more associate it with people that they do stuff with…Women will use terms more like, they are supportive, they listen to me, they’re honest with me”). Beliefs about the roles friends play in their lives and what they expect from them are dissimilar (“Men don’t…talk about their feelings with each other as much when they are friends as women do. So, I think we look at it differently, that’s what I mean. Like if you ask a man what a friendship means, they more are like, like minds, like  activities. Not emotional support, which is what women feel when they are talking about friendship”).  Men- time with friends has a purpose and centers around “activities”. Women- relationships with friends are for emotional support, open and honest exchange. Relationships between men- “It can be maybe less drama”, “I guess maybe it can be more real” implication that friendships between men are more sincere? Relationships between women- “Girls are more emotional with their friendships”
How to make friends	Opportunities to form friendships (“people that move have a greater number of friends…the more you move, the more people you meet, and the more friends you have”, “whereas as adults we network with a large number of people, we have the means of putting ourselves in different situations, and so there is a wider variety which, then you’ve got to narrow it down and see which ones do I bond with”).  Propinquity and friendship (“I’m, ah, not good at going out and seeking new friends. So for having good friendships that sort of stand the test, the test of time, right now, it’s mostly ex- coworkers that you build up those relationships with”)  Learning friendship skills (“What you see modeled. Do your parents have friends outside their marriage? Do your brothers and sisters. Is your family encouraged to have large groups of friends. Do your parents invite you to bring your friends home from college and from elementary and high school. Is your house the house that everyone hung out or did you always go to someone else’s house. This would help to cultivate those friendships”)
How to be a friend	“Being a friend” includes how to be a friend to others/what others can expect from you (“that (what) we give as a friend is our joy of living… by sharing the joy that’s what enriches relationships, …and creates  bonds”, “respect yourself. To have a good idea of who you are so you aren’t trying to compare with somebody else… A genuine  person, yeah. That then you’ve got a lot more to offer to others”, “that (what) we give as a friend is our joy of living… by sharing the joy that’s what enriches relationships, …and creates bonds”, “its being there with them through their grief that is…maybe it’s those times that actually deepen our relationships the most. When we’re hurting together rather than, … the mountaintop happiness”, “a willingness to be vulnerable in a friendship is important”, “you spend more time together and that creates memories”, “you share that concern”, “I think I try to look out for my friends’ needs, their emotional needs, their physical needs, their fun needs. Activity needs, like sometimes you have to go shopping, and ok, let’s go!”, “verbally say, “I really appreciate your friendship; It is an important part of my life,” and that creates a bond, a feeling of wanting to be there for them. It makes, it kind of reinforces me as a person too that she sees me as valuable and it’s a joy to be that for her and to feel that she is willing to be that friend for me”, “I see a value in discussing with my friends what our friendship means… just enjoying them more, appreciating them, being grateful”, “Well we have like personalities; we are not completely the same. Ummm…you can trust that person and laugh with that person and be yourself-- that’s a big thing. Be yourself around that person. Again you gen enjoy being in each other’s company. Yeah you get upset with each other but… you get over it and your friends again”), how a friend should act towards you (“that’s the thing about true friendship…you might not agree on things but you always come back to each other, you are attracted back to one another because you genuinely want to be in each other’s company”, “it’s a give and take relationship. Friendship cannot be one sided”, “trustworthy and compatible, not only shares the same interests or similar interest but may also agree to disagree with you. Maybe perhaps they don’t share the same interests necessarily. But they value what you do and support you and encourage you. They’re honest with you, if there is ever a discretion or something that may arise that they don’t agree with, they are able to be truthful and honest and caring”, “out of nowhere came…did all these amazing things. They have always been there…They check in on us how are we doing? They’ve helped us…They are very honest and have always been there for us not because they needed something. Just out of the goodness of their heart being friends and loving”) and  what is required to maintain friendships (“if  you stay in touch with the old friends then you just have more friends”, “to maintain a tight friendship you need to maintain contact with the person… You have to make an effort, friendship requires some work sometimes”, “Friendships are work… They take effort.  They take being vulnerable. They take the  scary stuff of life…take vulnerability, time and effort and energy”, “there’s a mutual likeness. You know, similarity. There doesn’t need to be a lot of similarities, but enjoy each other”).
Why friendship ends	Friendship fades due to loss of propinquity (“big regret that I have is that I moved from one country to another and so I lost that consistency with my old school friends. That I would have loved to be able to keep visiting with them, and sharing our lives as we went on, with visits”), loss of interest (“to maintain a tight friendship you need to maintain contact with the person”, “guess friendships last, ehhh…. because we want them to”, “you want to keep it that way (being friends) because if you don’t it eventually falls apart”), competing interests (“we only have time for so many friends in our modern life, with working and family commitments”), loss of commonalities (“in some cases if the person changes to much then you eventually stop being friends”) and loss of reward (“if someone does something to you sometimes your friendship can end”)

Friendship- themes and supporting quotes

Themes	Supporting Quotes
Friend vs. Acquaintance- Differences and Definitions	“friendship is, um… ah, a term of endearment, basically, for a peer that means more to you than just an acquaintance” “A friend um, is somebody who is an acquaintance who provides company, but also cares about you or has some kind of vested interest in you and who cares about your wellbeing” “think a friend is somebody that you can feel free to ask to do things for you and they would be willing to receive from you, and not feel like they owe you… more of a give and take relationship” “a friend you go out of your way to get, to be around. To talk to, to reach out to, to keep that connection alive. As opposed to an acquaintance, you’re really just satisfied running into them at Wal-Mart or K-Mart once in a while” “I’ve got friends that I don’t see for years and years and years and hear from and when I do, there’s that “wow, how awesome”. You know, that connection just reappears, it realizes, it’s jazzed up again. Where’s with an acquaintance, it’s “yeah! I remember you” and you kind of figure out where you knew somebody from. But it’s not the same as a friend…we reconnect with people. Years apart. And you, we just jump right back into it. You do. It’s like a day didn’t pass. Lots of catchin’ up to do sometimes” “An acquaintance is someone you know casually like you know your husbands friends with this guys and you just know him cause he knows him. You just say hi but you don’t actually hang out or go places together or anything like that. That’s an acquaintance. You have friends that you enjoy hanging out with and doing stuff with but I think a true friendship is like a family member”
Qualities of a friend	“also cares about you or has some kind of vested interest in you and who cares about your wellbeing” “personal empathy and caring personalities” “pretty true to their word, an honest person” “Somebody who cares about you, someone you can count on” “people that you can bear your soul to… They are just happy to hear from you and they are there for you” “I also think there are friendships created from people who are very different (from you)” “they encourage you think about things in a different way” “might have very polar opposite opinions of things… rewarding to have friends who have different opinions” “not judging each other…non-judgemental” “broadens your horizons” “honesty and trust” “the level of friendship is based on that level of risk (trust) as well. There are those that are your superficial friends and there is not a lot of risk involved.  They don’t know you that very well and all those things. But, people who really know you they are the people you are most vulnerable with and you’re taking those risks” “the kind of friendships that I want to have as I get older is to have the same group of core people that know me and have known me for years. That accept me and love me and are there for everything” “you respect that person, you love that person, and you care about them and you want the best for them” “God being the ultimate example of what a friend is… very faithful… and unchanging, and who loves me regardless of what I do… despite what I do” “sometimes drop things to stop and listen, and give advice, and share an experience with you” “we tend to form friendships with people who, -­‐like our families have things in common” “a willingness to be vulnerable in a friendship is important. And I think that that creates friendship, the fact that you’re not putting up your glass front trying to impress them, you’re just being yourself, with your failings” “but you can’t expect a friend to have everything in common with you. It’s a lot about, sort of celebrating the differences, appreciating, learning from them” “sometimes I think we want people to be more like us so that we can be closer, but that would not be ideal” “there’s a mutual likeness. You know, similarity. There doesn’t need to be a lot of similarities, but enjoy each other…You don’t need to be exactly alike but you definitely have to have some things in common .And you can be opposites. In personality and style” “somebody you can count on. Day or night” “well I guess friendship is when someone is always there for you when you need em…… your going through hard times or if you really need help then they will always call on them to be there for you and doesn’t complain and Its not an inconvenience. Somebody who cares about you, kinda like family” “You legitimately care about that person. You would do anything for them and they would do anything for you” “True friends are like family” “Trustworthy… fun, happiness, enjoy each other’s company” “I cant, you know I go through life relying only on myself. To be able to say, I can rely in this person says a lot. It’s not usually my MO” “Well we have like personalities; we are not completely the same. Ummm…you can trust that person and laugh with that person and be yourself-­‐ that’s a big thing. Be yourself around that person. Again you gen enjoy being in each other’s company. Yeah you get upset with each other but… you get over it and your friends again” “trustworthy and compatible, not only shares the same interests or similar interest but may also agree to disagree with you. Maybe perhaps they don’t share the same interests necessarily. But they value what you do and support you and encourage you. They’re honest with you, if there is ever a discretion or something that may arise that they don’t agree with, they are able to be truthful and honest and caring” “They are ones who would put the mirror in front of my face, in a kind way, but realistic. I do trust them…they know if I’m being real or not. They would also be able to speak life into me. I do value what they have to say… we share a lot of commonalities…similar values and ethics.” “always been there and supportive and can read me like a book and knows if I am having an up or down day” “out of nowhere came…did all these amazing things. They have always been there…They check in on us how are we doing? They’ve helped us…They are very honest and have always been there for us not because they needed something. Just out of the goodness of their heart being friends and loving”
Degrees of association	“some people deem other people as friends at different levels of involvement than others” “relationship with someone, an intimate relationship” “most people that are dating start out as friends, and then they move into the different realm” “There are forever friends that are maybe friends from childhood or maybe they are good friends you meet in college that you can pick up and talk to them whether it has been a day, an hour or 5 years or 10 years and you can pick up right where you left off.  I think those are the people that you had some sort of significant interaction with such as going to college together or just having that lifelong friendship” “there are friendships that are over here in the now wherever you are at whether it is a job or your on vacation and you meet some new people and you hang out with them for your whole week-end. Those are your kind of here and now friends” “you have different kinds of friends at different moves, different times in your life” “it is different for everybody what that friendship consists of” “you go out and you may not know each other that well but you go out to have fun together…there are those people that you can bear your soul too.  I think that those are the people I think of as your forever friends” “the level of friendship is based on that level of risk (trust) as well. There are those that are your superficial friends and there is not a lot of risk involved.  They don’t know you that very well and all those things. But, people who really know you they are the people you are most vulnerable with and you’re taking those risks” “the kind of friendships that I want to have as I get older is to have the same group of core people that know me and have known me for years. That accept me and love me and are there for everything” “Sometimes the most precious are old friends that you’ve had for a long time… cause you’ve shared a lot of memories together” “So I think the connections are, you, they’re not necessarily forced…ever. I think forcing the connection is, isn’t as good of a friendship You know, for example, I, it’s hard for me to pick up the phone and call T….for whatever reason. Just is a different kind, a slightly different kind of friendship. You know, she wants to do lunch. She wants to do lunch every month. Hmm. Ok. But it just doesn’t happen. You know. And it doesn’t mean, it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy her company, it just, we’re not as tight as I have other friends.” “in banking, no. Five o’clock, days over, bye. Everybody goes their own way. You, you know, you enjoy each other’s company at work, but it’s not so much the, afterhours. Like you don’t want to intrude on other people’s personal time sort of thing” “I have lots and lots of people I consider friends that I may not connect with for years on end but…on a regular, daily basis, I probably only have a handful” “Yeah you can have different friendships. You now people I enjoy hanging out with but cant rely on them if I really needed them” “Friends and family can be the same thing. A family member you have a social obligation to like each other and do things for each other, but friendship is by choice”
Differences between men and women	“women more loosely use the term friends than men do” “if you asked men to define friendships, they more associate it with people that they do stuff with…Women will use terms more like, they are supportive, they listen to me, they’re honest with me, they are whatever. Men don’t…talk about their feelings with each other as much when they are friends as women do. So, I think we look at it differently, that’s what I mean. Like if you ask a man what a friendship means, they more are like, like minds, like activities. Not emotional support, which is what women feel when they are talking about friendship” “dudes are friends with each other in other ways. Girls are more emotional with their friendships but I mean I kinda find it hard to be like a best friend with a guy being a girl you know. I find that to be alil odd because I think that different sexes treat friendships in different ways. Guys are alil bit rougher, they will get mad and puff out their chest with each other and then they will be fine. I guess maybe it can be more real” “It can be maybe less drama. I mean guys when there is a friendship whether it’s a true friendship or just a friendship or I think its less drama because they get over  it easier. Women are more emotional, you know?”
How to make friends	“people that move have a greater number of friends…the more you move, the more people you meet, and the more friends you have”  “What you see modeled. Do your parents have friends outside their marriage?  Do your brothers and sisters.  Is your family encouraged to have large groups of friends. Do your parents invite you to bring your friends home from college and from elementary and high school.  Is  your house the house that everyone hung out or did you always go to someone else’s house. This would help to cultivate those friendships” “whereas as adults we network with a large number of people, we have the means of putting ourselves in different situations, and so there is a wider variety which, then you’ve got to narrow it down and see which ones do I bond with” “I’m, ah, not good at going out and seeking new friends. So for having good friendships that sort of stand the test, the test of time, right now, it’s mostly ex- coworkers that you build up those relationships with”
How to be a friend	“I don’t think that you stop being friends if you don’t maintain contact or stay in touch, but I think your friendship changes” “if you stay in touch with the old friends then you just have more friends”  “to maintain a tight friendship you need to maintain contact with the person… You have to make an effort, friendship requires some work sometimes” “Friendships are work… They take effort.  They take being vulnerable. They take the scary stuff of life…take vulnerability, time and effort and energy”  “respect yourself. To have a good idea of who you are so you aren’t trying to compare with somebody else… A genuine person, yeah. That then you’ve got a lot more to offer to others” “that (what) we give as a friend is our joy of living… by sharing the joy that’s what enriches relationships, …and creates bonds” “its being there with them through their grief that is… maybe it’s those times that actually deepen our relationships the most. When we’re hurting together rather than, … the mountaintop happiness” “verbally say, “I really appreciate your friendship; It is an important part of my life,” and that creates a bond, a feeling of wanting to be there for them. It makes, it kind of reinforces me as a person too that she sees me as valuable and it’s a joy to be that for her and to feel that she is willing to be that friend for me” “a willingness to be vulnerable in a friendship is important” “you spend more time together and that creates memories” “you share that concern” “I see a value in discussing with my friends what our friendship means… just enjoying them more, appreciating them, being grateful” “it’s a give and take relationship. Friendship cannot be one sided” “there’s a mutual likeness. You know, similarity. There doesn’t need to be a lot of similarities, but enjoy each other” “I think I try to look out for my friends’ needs, their emotional needs, their physical needs, their fun needs. Activity needs, like sometimes you have to go shopping, and ok, let’s go!” “I suppose it’s easier to do with Facebook and all those kind of crazy things but I don’t do any of those, so my way of staying connected tends to be my annual Christmas card thing which always seems like a, a, a task that I dread but I’m always glad that I’ve done it. And I get lots and lots of responses from people that that’s the only time of year that I do hear from them” “There’s a lot of people that I consider my friend but not my true friend because I cant, you know I go through life relying only on myself. To be able to say, I can rely in this person says a lot. It’s not usually my MO” “Well we have like personalities; we are not completely the same. Ummm…you can trust that person and laugh with that person and be yourself-­‐ that’s a big thing. Be yourself around that person. Again you gen enjoy being in each other’s company. Yeah you get upset with each other but… you get over it and your friends again” “trustworthy and compatible, not only shares the same interests or similar interest but may also agree to disagree with you. Maybe perhaps they don’t share the same interests necessarily. But they value what you do and support you and encourage you. They’re honest with you, if there is ever a discretion or something that may arise that they don’t agree with, they are able to be truthful and honest and caring” “They are ones who would put the mirror in front of my face, in a kind way, but realistic. I do trust them…they know if I’m being real or not. They would also be able to speak life into me. I do value what they have to say… we share a lot of commonalities…similar values and ethics.” ““They were used to always receiving that sometimes they would expect me to always give. Or be the one to take you out or for me to be the one to take care of everything rather than be supportive. It was almost assumed that I would be that persons other leg to stand on. That would sometimes be hard and difficult but I could also see where they needed a friend. They could have sometimes been so codependent, so I would have to set boundaries and distance myself in some ways. I could still be a good friend, but with certain limitations.” “when you are pouring into someone else’s life and listening and investing it’s great when it’s reciprocated” ““out of nowhere came…did all these amazing things. They have always been there…They check in on us how are we doing? They’ve helped us…They are very honest and have always been there for us not because they needed something. Just out of the goodness of their heart being friends and loving”
Why friendship ends	“in some cases if the person changes to much then you eventually stop being friends” “you want to keep it that way (being friends) because if you don’t it eventually falls apart” “we only have time for so many friends in our modern life, with working and family commitments” “if someone does something to you sometimes your friendship can end” “to maintain a tight friendship you need to maintain contact with the person” “guess friendships last, ehhh…. because we want them to” “big regret that I have is that I moved from one country to another and so I lost that consistency with my old school friends. That I would have loved to be able to keep visiting with them, and sharing our lives as we went on, with visits”

Friendship- concepts

·         Friend vs. Acquaintance- Differences and Definitions

a. depth of caring

b. meaning in the relationship for each party

c. exchange/mutuality of support

d. interest in maintaining and nurturing the relationship

e. sense of connection with other party

·         Qualities of a friend

a.       Integrity including honesty, consistency, reliability/dependability/following through on commitments, trustworthiness, trusting, free of deceit, willing to move past quarrels- apologizing and forgiving.

b.      God-like attributes like non-judgmental, loving/unconditional love, supportive, consistency, faithful, offering safety to be oneself and allowing you to be vulnerable in safety, acceptance, forgiving, shared values and ethics.

c.       Sensitivity including displaying interest, empathy, vulnerability, support, providing a safe audience, willing to listen, attentive, observant, appreciation for others happiness, helpful.

d.      Contrast and commonalities in personality and opinions- to provide stimulating company, fun to be with.

·         Degrees of association

a.       Degree of friendship spectrum ranges from acquaintance, to friend due to proximity or situation, long term/lifelong, and intimate relationships. Degree of association is affected by life stage, personal habits and choice

·         Differences between men and women

a.       Friendships are conducted and felt differently depending on which sex/sexes are involved. Definition of friendship is different for each gender. Beliefs about the roles friends play in their lives and what they expect from them are dissimilar.

b.      Men- time with friends has a purpose and centers around “activities”. Relationships between men- “It can be maybe less drama”, “I guess maybe it can be more real” with implication that friendships between men are more sincere.

c.    Women- relationships with friends are for emotional support, open and honest exchange. Relationships between women- “Girls are more emotional with their friendships”.

·         How to make friends

a.       Opportunities to form friendships

b.      Propinquity and friendship

c.       Learning friendship skills

·         How to be a friend

a.       “Being a friend” includes how to be a friend to others/what others can expect from you, how a friend should act towards you, and what is required to maintain friendships.

·         Why friendship ends

a.       Friendship fades due to loss of propinquity, loss of interest, competing interests, loss of commonalities and loss of reward.

Friend conversation transcript and discussion

We are sitting at the kitchen table. I am on the short side, at the head.  My friend is sitting on the long side, at my end. We have a ‘date’ for this, so there are supplies present- recorders, paper and pencils, drinks and snacks. My interviewee is E. and I am A.

A: this is, ah, an interview on your beliefs about friendship.

E: do you have to do the formal ‘taking an interview’ question?

A: yeah, do I have your consent to record you?  I suppose I should do that. It’s part of the formal interview process to make sure it’s ok with people that I have your voice recorded for posterity (pompous tone). And someday, when you are a little old lady in your wheel, your wheelchair, I can bring it and hold it to your ear and remind you that you said ‘yes’. (laughing and giggling in the background, leaning towards each other over the table. Eating salsa and chips)

E: yeah, cause that is exactly what I was gonna be! (coughing on chip crumbs, still giggling)

A: So, what is your general definition of a friend?

E: definition of a friend would be…ahh…(blowing through lips, brrrbbhhh sound)…someone who is, ah, it’s a give and take relationship. Friendship cannot be one sided. (pause)

A: I don’t know that I necessarily need to take notes on what you’re saying since everything is recorded, because I have to do a transcript, word for word. I think it’s more for ummm…

E: takes notes in your own style then.

A: I think my notes are more to reflect what doesn’t come across on the voice clip. But I am penciling down what I’m watching. So that’s what I’m writing. Like that ‘broobbhh’ sound. That I am writing out. (more laughing, chortling)

E: that came across on the recording!

A: and I’m putting that in a note.

E: this is gonna be weird (still laughing). And then as far as friendship, the definition of friendship would also include, that there’s a, besides give and take, that there’s a mutual likeness. (likeness is emphasized, with the ‘ness’ stressed and stretched out). You know, similarity. There doesn’t need to be a lot of similarities, but enjoy each other.

A: So ‘like’ in more than one definition of the word like. so ‘like’ and ‘alike’.

E: yeah. You don’t need to be exactly alike but you definitely have to have some things in common (leaning forward into the conversation, eye contact and smiling). And you can be opposites. In personality and style (laughing).

A: so commonalities don’t necessarily have to be in personality.

E: right. Its more about what you enjoy. Doing. (pause for chips)

A: how do you see yourself as being a friend to others?

E: oh, awful (laughing). Um, how am I a friend to others? Well, I think I try to look out for my friends’ needs, their emotional needs, their physical needs, their fun needs. Activity needs, like sometimes you have to go shopping, and ok, let’s go! (both laughing again)

A: you have sucked up a lot of time at Target! That’s the mark of a true friend. What do you thing the difference is between friends and acquaintances? (serious tone again)?

E: Well, a friend you go out of your way to get, to be around. To talk to, to reach out to, to keep that connection alive. As opposed to an acquaintance, you’re really just satisfied running into them at Wal-Mart or K-Mart once in a while (laughing).

A: that’s quite profound! That’s a very good way of putting it.

E: you like that?

A: So you’re always glad to see your acquaintances…

E: yeah!

A: but you…go out of your way to find your friends.

E: right. And I’ve got friends that I don’t see for years and years and years and hear from and when I do, there’s that “wow, how awesome”. You know, that connection just reappears, it realizes, it’s jazzed up again. (questioning tone to voice)

A: yeah, it never really went away. It was just kind of…went dormant, for a while.

E: yeah. Where’s with an acquaintance, it’s “yeah! I remember you” and you kind of figure out where you knew somebody from. But it’s not the same as a friend.

A: ummhimm.

E: a friend, there’s that connection.

A: and it never evaporates. I was thinking about DM, like if I saw DM…

E: oh, it would be great! Wouldn’t it?

A: yeah, it would just be…incorporating her into our lives all over again.

E: yeah!

A: I don’t think it would take a whole lot of effort, and we would be glad to do it…

E: yeah, it would, it would be no effort at all. It would just fit right back into, into the mold that we had before (enthusiasm, big eyebrows).

A: ummhimm.

E: absolutely. And I have had that opportunity. Where we reconnect with people. Years apart. And you, we just jump right back into it. You do. It’s like a day didn’t pass. Lots of catchin’ up to do sometimes, but…

A: it just makes it that much more fun!

E: yeah! (chuckling)

A: I actually have that question. How do you stay connected with long distance friendships?

E: well, I suppose it’s easier to do with Facebook and all those kind of crazy things but I don’t do any of those, so my way of staying connected tends to be my annual Christmas card thing which always seems like a, a, a task that I dread but I’m always glad that I’ve done it (questioning tone of voice). And I get lots and lots of responses from people that that’s the only time of year that I do hear from them…

A: you know, it’s funny, but I always look forward to getting that! (lots of laughing)

E: but you know, it one of those “oh, I’ve got to get that done” and it’s a big job to do (questioning tone of voice). But I think if I didn’t do it, Christmas wouldn’t be the same.

A: no. I like reading it. I think it does a really nice job of summarizing and there’s always stuff in there that I didn’t know and I see you all the time, and I talk to you all the time and I see the kids all the time! And I’ll be like, “wow, I didn’t know that!” (more laughing)

E: and then there’s all the stuff unwritten! That doesn’t get written in there! (loud laughing)

A: I start reading in between the lines!

E: hmmm, how do I put this? (holding finger to bottom lip, frowning, laughing). So I think the connections are, you, they’re not necessarily forced…ever. I think forcing the connection is, isn’t as good of a friendship (questioning tone). You know, for example, I, it’s hard for me to pick up the phone and call T….for whatever reason. Just is a different kind, a slightly different kind of friendship. You know, she wants to do lunch. She wants to do lunch every month. Hmm. Ok. (laughing) But it just doesn’t happen. You know. And it doesn’t mean, it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy her company, it just, we’re not as tight as I have other friends. But there could be people that I haven’t heard or talked to. Do you remember N?

A: yeah.

E: I got a card from her!

A: really! How’s she doin’?

E: She didn’t really say. She’s just like, “I’ve been thinking about you and I haven’t” and she’s, she’s just kinda, touching base, to see if she’s still got the right address. And so I need to sit down and write her back.

A: that’s funny! I was talking about those people that were here from corporate this week and one of them was just recently in… (totally off topic here for several minutes while we reminisce about past living in another state and memories of N. associated with this period)

A: so that is cool that she got in touch with you out of the blue like that. Has she thought about coming to Alaska?

E: I’m gonna write her and tell her she needs to come up here….(more chips, big smiles)

A: how do you find and make new friends?

E: now, that’s hard. Cause I’m, I’m, ah, not good at going out and seeking new friends. So for having good friendships that sort of stand the test, the test of time, right now, it’s mostly ex-coworkers that you build up those relationships with (questioning tone). So, you’re better at it.

A: I think, umm, a lot of people that you work with, you get to be friendly with just because of the number of hours that you spend with them. And the close proximity that you work, in the kind of job that I have, umm, sometimes the intensity…makes you become friends faster.

E: yeah, I think in your situation, that’s definitely…in banking, no. Five o’clock, days over, bye. Everybody goes their own way. You, you know, you enjoy each other’s company at work, but it’s not so much the, afterhours. Like you don’t want to intrude on other people’s personal time sort of thing.

A: for me, working night shift too.

E: yeah.

A: no matter what time of the day you work, ummm, healthcare, emergency department especially, there’s always the opportunity for bonding. Kind of like being in combat. (laughter). Night shift, that much more so. People on night shift, they’re, they’re a tighter group.

E: well, I think you only have to deal with one belligerent drunk to, you know, become tight with somebody (more laughter).

A: yup. Yeah. When we all fall on top of one, pig piling on the drunk really makes for fast friendships. (laughter)

E: I think your right!

A: how many friends can you reasonably have?

E: I think that’s a different number for everybody. I think there are people that thrive on that, umm, for me (questioning tone), again, I have lots and lots of people I consider friends that I may not connect with for years on end but…on a regular, daily basis, I probably only have a handful.

A: not anybody can say that. Unfortunately. There’s a lot of people out there that have a lot of acquaintances, maybe close acquaintances, but not so many real friends.

E: somebody you can count on. Day or night. Yup. So.

A: what makes a friendship last?

E: I don’t know. Why do you put up with me? (lots of laughter)

A: it’s the Lucy and Ethel thing. Thelma and Louise. (laughter)

E: well put.

A: and then the, the, each of us gets the chance to be Lucy sometimes and Ethel other times, and Thelma and Louise other times….we’re not trapped in one role.

E: and all we need is Brad Pitt!...or a likeness thereof! (toasting with iced tea, eyebrows up and smiling)

A: I don’t care, as long as I don’t get stuck with Fred. (hysterical laughter)

E: I guess friendships last, ehhh…. because we want them to. You know? How much duller would my life be, even though you’re busy as hell right now, how much duller would my life be even without that occasional phone call every so often that I have to get just to stay connected with you?

A: just put up with it a little bit longer, cause honestly, the older you get, the faster time goes…

E: I know!

A: and it will be like, like tomorrow, I’m done with school!

E: are you making fun of my memory again? (laughter)

A: I’m remembering that we are eating more than chips and salsa today! (more laughter)

Discussion

I asked my years-long friend if she would be my subject. We have not spent as much time together as we normally would over the last few months. New jobs, long work hours, and school responsibilities have interfered with face to face time and we are holding a phone friendship for now. It was a pleasure to have a reason to meet. We sat at her kitchen table, site of many casual Saturday conversations, drinking iced tea and eating chips and salsa. I promised to take no more than 15 minutes of her time for help with my school assignment and then we would talk about real life- jobs, kids, home improvement projects, flower gardens- all the stuff that we can stretch out for hours and then talk about again the next week, over dinner.

I am a belt-and-suspenders person when technology is involved. I had my phone charged and cued for recording as well as my Flip recorder. We are both native East Coasters and tend to speak faster than most, we have known each other forever and finish each other’s sentences and we have been short on meeting time so we interrupt each other constantly in our eagerness to add something to the conversation. We had a couple false starts because of this. I spent as much time stopping and starting the recording than I did typing the conversation. At points, I could only type two or three words at a time because we were speaking too quickly to make out more. There were also a fair amount of pauses for consideration. Between the rapid speech and the pauses, it was the equivalent of an average conversation. We spoke about friendship for about 20 minutes, but at least a few minutes were off topic while we digressed into speaking about an old friend.

Recreating the environment and showing the non-verbal events in a taped conversation is very difficult. I took notes during the conversation and lined up the visual cues with particular statements but bringing the points of emphasis and the tone in which sentences are spoken is reduced to a word or two tacked on at the end, like “laughter” and “questioning tone”. Some of the meaning inherent is lost. I think that if I were to do this again, I would verbally cue what I am seeing by making a statement like “you are frowning when you say this, what are you thinking?” or “why do you sound like you are asking a question when you say that?” This would have to be done judiciously so the flow is not interrupted but I think it has the possibility of adding richness and depth. I guess I would have to try it out in a real interview to see at what points it is worth stopping someone’s narrative to gain insight.