Friend conversation transcript and discussion

We are sitting at the kitchen table. I am on the short side, at the head.  My friend is sitting on the long side, at my end. We have a ‘date’ for this, so there are supplies present- recorders, paper and pencils, drinks and snacks. My interviewee is E. and I am A.

A: this is, ah, an interview on your beliefs about friendship.

E: do you have to do the formal ‘taking an interview’ question?

A: yeah, do I have your consent to record you?  I suppose I should do that. It’s part of the formal interview process to make sure it’s ok with people that I have your voice recorded for posterity (pompous tone). And someday, when you are a little old lady in your wheel, your wheelchair, I can bring it and hold it to your ear and remind you that you said ‘yes’. (laughing and giggling in the background, leaning towards each other over the table. Eating salsa and chips)

E: yeah, cause that is exactly what I was gonna be! (coughing on chip crumbs, still giggling)

A: So, what is your general definition of a friend?

E: definition of a friend would be…ahh…(blowing through lips, brrrbbhhh sound)…someone who is, ah, it’s a give and take relationship. Friendship cannot be one sided. (pause)

A: I don’t know that I necessarily need to take notes on what you’re saying since everything is recorded, because I have to do a transcript, word for word. I think it’s more for ummm…

E: takes notes in your own style then.

A: I think my notes are more to reflect what doesn’t come across on the voice clip. But I am penciling down what I’m watching. So that’s what I’m writing. Like that ‘broobbhh’ sound. That I am writing out. (more laughing, chortling)

E: that came across on the recording!

A: and I’m putting that in a note.

E: this is gonna be weird (still laughing). And then as far as friendship, the definition of friendship would also include, that there’s a, besides give and take, that there’s a mutual likeness. (likeness is emphasized, with the ‘ness’ stressed and stretched out). You know, similarity. There doesn’t need to be a lot of similarities, but enjoy each other.

A: So ‘like’ in more than one definition of the word like. so ‘like’ and ‘alike’.

E: yeah. You don’t need to be exactly alike but you definitely have to have some things in common (leaning forward into the conversation, eye contact and smiling). And you can be opposites. In personality and style (laughing).

A: so commonalities don’t necessarily have to be in personality.

E: right. Its more about what you enjoy. Doing. (pause for chips)

A: how do you see yourself as being a friend to others?

E: oh, awful (laughing). Um, how am I a friend to others? Well, I think I try to look out for my friends’ needs, their emotional needs, their physical needs, their fun needs. Activity needs, like sometimes you have to go shopping, and ok, let’s go! (both laughing again)

A: you have sucked up a lot of time at Target! That’s the mark of a true friend. What do you thing the difference is between friends and acquaintances? (serious tone again)?

E: Well, a friend you go out of your way to get, to be around. To talk to, to reach out to, to keep that connection alive. As opposed to an acquaintance, you’re really just satisfied running into them at Wal-Mart or K-Mart once in a while (laughing).

A: that’s quite profound! That’s a very good way of putting it.

E: you like that?

A: So you’re always glad to see your acquaintances…

E: yeah!

A: but you…go out of your way to find your friends.

E: right. And I’ve got friends that I don’t see for years and years and years and hear from and when I do, there’s that “wow, how awesome”. You know, that connection just reappears, it realizes, it’s jazzed up again. (questioning tone to voice)

A: yeah, it never really went away. It was just kind of…went dormant, for a while.

E: yeah. Where’s with an acquaintance, it’s “yeah! I remember you” and you kind of figure out where you knew somebody from. But it’s not the same as a friend.

A: ummhimm.

E: a friend, there’s that connection.

A: and it never evaporates. I was thinking about DM, like if I saw DM…

E: oh, it would be great! Wouldn’t it?

A: yeah, it would just be…incorporating her into our lives all over again.

E: yeah!

A: I don’t think it would take a whole lot of effort, and we would be glad to do it…

E: yeah, it would, it would be no effort at all. It would just fit right back into, into the mold that we had before (enthusiasm, big eyebrows).

A: ummhimm.

E: absolutely. And I have had that opportunity. Where we reconnect with people. Years apart. And you, we just jump right back into it. You do. It’s like a day didn’t pass. Lots of catchin’ up to do sometimes, but…

A: it just makes it that much more fun!

E: yeah! (chuckling)

A: I actually have that question. How do you stay connected with long distance friendships?

E: well, I suppose it’s easier to do with Facebook and all those kind of crazy things but I don’t do any of those, so my way of staying connected tends to be my annual Christmas card thing which always seems like a, a, a task that I dread but I’m always glad that I’ve done it (questioning tone of voice). And I get lots and lots of responses from people that that’s the only time of year that I do hear from them…

A: you know, it’s funny, but I always look forward to getting that! (lots of laughing)

E: but you know, it one of those “oh, I’ve got to get that done” and it’s a big job to do (questioning tone of voice). But I think if I didn’t do it, Christmas wouldn’t be the same.

A: no. I like reading it. I think it does a really nice job of summarizing and there’s always stuff in there that I didn’t know and I see you all the time, and I talk to you all the time and I see the kids all the time! And I’ll be like, “wow, I didn’t know that!” (more laughing)

E: and then there’s all the stuff unwritten! That doesn’t get written in there! (loud laughing)

A: I start reading in between the lines!

E: hmmm, how do I put this? (holding finger to bottom lip, frowning, laughing). So I think the connections are, you, they’re not necessarily forced…ever. I think forcing the connection is, isn’t as good of a friendship (questioning tone). You know, for example, I, it’s hard for me to pick up the phone and call T….for whatever reason. Just is a different kind, a slightly different kind of friendship. You know, she wants to do lunch. She wants to do lunch every month. Hmm. Ok. (laughing) But it just doesn’t happen. You know. And it doesn’t mean, it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy her company, it just, we’re not as tight as I have other friends. But there could be people that I haven’t heard or talked to. Do you remember N?

A: yeah.

E: I got a card from her!

A: really! How’s she doin’?

E: She didn’t really say. She’s just like, “I’ve been thinking about you and I haven’t” and she’s, she’s just kinda, touching base, to see if she’s still got the right address. And so I need to sit down and write her back.

A: that’s funny! I was talking about those people that were here from corporate this week and one of them was just recently in… (totally off topic here for several minutes while we reminisce about past living in another state and memories of N. associated with this period)

A: so that is cool that she got in touch with you out of the blue like that. Has she thought about coming to Alaska?

E: I’m gonna write her and tell her she needs to come up here….(more chips, big smiles)

A: how do you find and make new friends?

E: now, that’s hard. Cause I’m, I’m, ah, not good at going out and seeking new friends. So for having good friendships that sort of stand the test, the test of time, right now, it’s mostly ex-coworkers that you build up those relationships with (questioning tone). So, you’re better at it.

A: I think, umm, a lot of people that you work with, you get to be friendly with just because of the number of hours that you spend with them. And the close proximity that you work, in the kind of job that I have, umm, sometimes the intensity…makes you become friends faster.

E: yeah, I think in your situation, that’s definitely…in banking, no. Five o’clock, days over, bye. Everybody goes their own way. You, you know, you enjoy each other’s company at work, but it’s not so much the, afterhours. Like you don’t want to intrude on other people’s personal time sort of thing.

A: for me, working night shift too.

E: yeah.

A: no matter what time of the day you work, ummm, healthcare, emergency department especially, there’s always the opportunity for bonding. Kind of like being in combat. (laughter). Night shift, that much more so. People on night shift, they’re, they’re a tighter group.

E: well, I think you only have to deal with one belligerent drunk to, you know, become tight with somebody (more laughter).

A: yup. Yeah. When we all fall on top of one, pig piling on the drunk really makes for fast friendships. (laughter)

E: I think your right!

A: how many friends can you reasonably have?

E: I think that’s a different number for everybody. I think there are people that thrive on that, umm, for me (questioning tone), again, I have lots and lots of people I consider friends that I may not connect with for years on end but…on a regular, daily basis, I probably only have a handful.

A: not anybody can say that. Unfortunately. There’s a lot of people out there that have a lot of acquaintances, maybe close acquaintances, but not so many real friends.

E: somebody you can count on. Day or night. Yup. So.

A: what makes a friendship last?

E: I don’t know. Why do you put up with me? (lots of laughter)

A: it’s the Lucy and Ethel thing. Thelma and Louise. (laughter)

E: well put.

A: and then the, the, each of us gets the chance to be Lucy sometimes and Ethel other times, and Thelma and Louise other times….we’re not trapped in one role.

E: and all we need is Brad Pitt!...or a likeness thereof! (toasting with iced tea, eyebrows up and smiling)

A: I don’t care, as long as I don’t get stuck with Fred. (hysterical laughter)

E: I guess friendships last, ehhh…. because we want them to. You know? How much duller would my life be, even though you’re busy as hell right now, how much duller would my life be even without that occasional phone call every so often that I have to get just to stay connected with you?

A: just put up with it a little bit longer, cause honestly, the older you get, the faster time goes…

E: I know!

A: and it will be like, like tomorrow, I’m done with school!

E: are you making fun of my memory again? (laughter)

A: I’m remembering that we are eating more than chips and salsa today! (more laughter)

Discussion

I asked my years-long friend if she would be my subject. We have not spent as much time together as we normally would over the last few months. New jobs, long work hours, and school responsibilities have interfered with face to face time and we are holding a phone friendship for now. It was a pleasure to have a reason to meet. We sat at her kitchen table, site of many casual Saturday conversations, drinking iced tea and eating chips and salsa. I promised to take no more than 15 minutes of her time for help with my school assignment and then we would talk about real life- jobs, kids, home improvement projects, flower gardens- all the stuff that we can stretch out for hours and then talk about again the next week, over dinner.

I am a belt-and-suspenders person when technology is involved. I had my phone charged and cued for recording as well as my Flip recorder. We are both native East Coasters and tend to speak faster than most, we have known each other forever and finish each other’s sentences and we have been short on meeting time so we interrupt each other constantly in our eagerness to add something to the conversation. We had a couple false starts because of this. I spent as much time stopping and starting the recording than I did typing the conversation. At points, I could only type two or three words at a time because we were speaking too quickly to make out more. There were also a fair amount of pauses for consideration. Between the rapid speech and the pauses, it was the equivalent of an average conversation. We spoke about friendship for about 20 minutes, but at least a few minutes were off topic while we digressed into speaking about an old friend.

Recreating the environment and showing the non-verbal events in a taped conversation is very difficult. I took notes during the conversation and lined up the visual cues with particular statements but bringing the points of emphasis and the tone in which sentences are spoken is reduced to a word or two tacked on at the end, like “laughter” and “questioning tone”. Some of the meaning inherent is lost. I think that if I were to do this again, I would verbally cue what I am seeing by making a statement like “you are frowning when you say this, what are you thinking?” or “why do you sound like you are asking a question when you say that?” This would have to be done judiciously so the flow is not interrupted but I think it has the possibility of adding richness and depth. I guess I would have to try it out in a real interview to see at what points it is worth stopping someone’s narrative to gain insight.